Welcome to my week of wonders, this will be a blog mainly about what’s going on in my head, so should be relatively interesting seeing as I probably need mental help, or so I have been told.

Writing has become very foreign to me I haven’t put my thoughts onto paper since I was in school, hopefully this will be therapeutic.

Where to start?

I am 23 years old, British, female, living in Dubai.

This last year has probably been the best and the worst year of my life.  In October 2012  I started my job as an Office Manager for a recruitment company, I was living in an apartment close to work, I was feeling very unhappy and lost in my life. I started doing a lot of research on eco living and found a community in Russia that spoke out to me. This was a vegan community which prohibited smoking and drinking based in the Siberian forest. The follow a man who goes by the name Vissarion and they believe that he is Jesus reincarnated. So there I was lying in my bed having a panic attack about work and life and loneliness, when I thought I think it would be a good idea for me to go join the cult. The next day I handed in my resignation at work, called up someone from the cult and told them to expect me in a month. It took a lot of time and effort trying to sort out a long term Russian visa but I finally managed to obtain one and great expense. I then spoke to my parents about it and they went mental, so I never ended up going and I stayed at my job and got on with my life.

That is probably a strange anecdote to start on, but it provides some insight to how low I was feeling at the start of the year.

Then I met someone in February 2013 that would change my life forever. I was out having a drink with my colleague at a bar by my work when I got a message on Facebook on my phone. It was from someone that worked in the nearby office and basically “hi I work near you we have a mutual friend” I replied something along the lines of “come for a drink then stalker”. He then came for a drink and he was very sweet and then very quickly we became a couple. Must have been our mutual love of lord of the rings that spurred us onto that path very quickly.  We were together for around 9 months when he asked me to marry him in Paris, I said yes. Unfortunately once we got back to Dubai, life got in the way of our relationship, it’s a very scary thought that when you’re in a relationship, you basically have 2 options spend the rest of your life with that person or break up. We chose the latter. It hurts a lot, but I have been keeping busy, I have booked a month to travel in Thailand and I have resigned for my work. This coming year we present itself with whole new opportunities for me, but if I have learnt anything it is not to rush into anything without thinking it through. What’s for you won’t go past you.  If I have time to think about the mistakes I have made along the way I get overwhelmed with a heavy wave of grief that engulfs me, I wish someone would rescue me, look after me. I just want to cook all day and keep the house and have children, its all I have ever wanted.

Looks like I have Borderline personality disorder, should probably get round to going to the doctor at some point but I don’t have health insurance. I am greatly influenced by the slightest thought that enters my mind, I take some minor things as insults and replay them constantly in my head. Its draining but I have adapted a persona that keeps me so emotionally detached that it feels that I’m not even living half the time. Like I’m watching someone else’s life with no feelings.  Not very likable.

My train engines fire needs a new spark to catch it, the woods easy finding but I’m lazy to fetch it. 

Don’t worry I’m sure the rest of my posts won’t be this depressing.